That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
