This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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