Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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