the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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