jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
