Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just threw up on my dentist
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
