So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm like, not good at living.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
