new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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