I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
