I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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