I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
