I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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