eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
