Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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