Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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