terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
