I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My liver just had a heart attack.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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