My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Randomize
