He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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