She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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