You smell like a Billy Joel song
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
