i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
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