I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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