You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
