True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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