Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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