oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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