i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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