eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize