I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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