So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
