My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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