My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
