I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
