OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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