FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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