I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize