i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
