today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Mom said you looked used
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
