you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
