Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
