I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so let's talk penis.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
