you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
