i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
