I wish my penis had an off switch
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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