my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
