the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
