does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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