My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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