chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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