What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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