im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
