i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He felt like a one man threesome
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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