i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
