he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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