Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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