I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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